Surviving the Outdoors

Edition: Amazon Rainforest
by Ivan18

Whatever you do don't question my expertise, or it might just get you killed.
Rule 1: Don't Die (told you I was an expert).

So let's say for some odd and stupid reason you find yourself lost in the Amazon Rain Forest, right in the middle of nowhere. First thing you need to say to yourself is: "Good thing I read that blog, I'll be able to survive.

List of things you'll need:
1) A machete, keep one with you at all times, even when boarding the plane, if anyone from security stops you say "Hey at least I don't have a bomb with me". They'll let your right in no questions asked.
2) You'll need something to carry your water.
3) Condoms, hey you never know if you'll find a sexy amazonian chick. Better safe than sorry.
4) A lighter.
5) If it was a plane crash and you're lucky to wake up before everyone else, steal their belongings. Better you than them. If anyone is still half alive whack them with a stick, more people equal less food.

Packing up
Make sure you have all these before going out and playing Tarzan. Once you're out of the crash site look for some water. Normally people will say that you should stay near the crash site but pay them no mind, we all know the rescue teams take weeks to find anything and I don't think your fellow passengers will take it lightly that you stole their stuff.

Your Journey
If possible take someone with you, just in case you get into any trouble. Once you two find a river be careful, plenty of crocodiles waiting to make you their next meal.
Teamwork: Have your new friend collect the water while you watch from a distance for any signs of crocodiles.

Possible animal attacks: Jaguar
Average Weight: 350 pounds
Average Speed: 50 mph
Conclusion: There is no chance in hell you'll make it out alive... unless...

Teamwork:
This is the main reason you brought your new acquaintance along. We all know that you will never be able to outrun a jaguar, but you're in luck, you don't need to. All you need to do is outrun your friend, this is where the machete comes in handy, try to go for his ankle and RUN your ass off, don't look back. If you're lucky the jaguar and its cubs will have enough to eat for a couple of days.

Remember, I'm here to save your life, not everyone around you.

Living happily ever after
After all these atrocities you have committed I don't think people will want you back in civilization, but don't you be worrying about it. There are hundreds of tribes in the amazon. If they don't sacrifice your ass they might just take you in as one of their own.

Look on the bright side, you'll be able to live the rest of your days learning the fine art of cannibalism, hanging around with nude chicks, becoming one with nature. Every environmentalist's dream. Once you get used to all the venomous insects I think you'll do fine.
Popularity tip: You can lead your tribe back to the crash site and have an all night feast. This will surely put you on top of the Chief's list, he might even let you marry his daughter.

I hope this keeps you alive, don't miss the other outdoor tips coming soon. Leave a comment if you know of any other useful skills to survive in the wilderness.