Surviving a Hostage Situation

Place: A bank

You never know when you'll be in a hostage situation. To your luck and regret to the people who know you, I'll walk you out of it alive. Once again don't question my expertise, unless you want to get yourself shot.


Starting off

So there you are waiting in line, ready to deposit $80 into your bank account, totaling it to a whopping $135. When out of nowhere five masked gunmen blast into the bank. Their first command will be "everyone to floor", it is here that you will make the difference. Whatever you do don't drop to the floor, keep standing still with a "what's up" look on your face. The bank robbers will probably whack you with a gun and you'll fall unconscious, don't worry, your goal was to prove a point. No one will push you around.

Day 1: Moral High Ground

Sometimes these crooks don't know when to call it quits, meaning the cops will have the place surrounded long before the criminals plan on leaving. By now you're waking up from the hit you took, everyone near is afraid of you because they already witnessed how screwed up you are and they don't want to get killed because of you. This is good, when the cops send the food you'll get a bigger portion.

Day 2: Hero

This is when the criminals start pointing their guns at the hostages to prove to the police that they are not kidding around. I don't care if they are planning on killing the Pope himself, you will not, and I repeat, you will NOT be a hero. Stick to our plan and stay low on this one, as long as they are not aiming at you, you'll be ok. We don't need a dead hero, unless you're wearing a ivanjnc.blogspot.com t-shirt, that will bring more readers, but in the mean time lay back and keep your cool. The most media coverage you'll get will be 5 minutes before CNN goes back to covering the Michael Jackson story. If a junkie dies of drugs, he over dosed, when Jacko died, it was a murder! But will delve on this story some other time; back to you.

Day 3: Placing Fear

The initial shock is gone by now, the police and the abductors are negotiating but as usual they can't agree on anything. Your job now is to demonstrate to the abductors what you're made off. You need to get on their good side. So if they slap a hostage, you stand up, walk over, and slap the hostage twice. Whatever they do you will top it. You gotta show who is the Alpha male(or female). Try to be first when the hostage negotiations come, pay no mind to old sick people or kids, you gotta watch out for Numero Uno.

Day 4: Taking Advantage

I'm pretty sure the other hostages hate you by now but they also fear you. This is a good opportunity to put your moves on the hot cashier that you've been checking out for quite a some days now. Who hasn't given you a second look because she has access to your bank records, therefore knows how broke you are. With her emotions off the charts plus the new found fear towards you its a given that you'll get yourself some tail.

Day 5: We're Saved

Few hostage situations come out in favor of the criminals. Rescue teams and SWATs will apprehend the robbers with few casualties on the hostages side. If you followed my instructions you'll be one of the few that do not come out of there in a body bag.

Resolution

Although you did make it out alive, after doing all those things your fellow hostages will probably rat you out. Most likely you'll be convicted of:
1) Helping Criminals
2) Interfering with police investigation/rescue
3) Violating other people's rights
4) Rape (remember the cashier? she denounced your ass)

I don't know much about law, but after doing some research I think you're looking at 15 to 25 years in jail.

Fear Not

Most people are scared of jail, but once again you're lucky to have me. Come back later for our next edition of Survival Skills, where we will teach you "How to Survive in Jail" and if you have what it takes we will give you an extra bonus "How to Escape".

No one likes Mondays, so I hope you have a nice day and a short week.